my right hand hold matches
my left holds my past
i hope the wind catches and burns it down.

i'm not sure that i have ever been so hurt in my life. by so many things. and so many people. i know one day i will look back and think how frivolous it all is. but right now? right now, it's real. and right now it hurts.

did i do this to myself? do i deserve this? i can't help but think i was so careless that this is my payback.

for the first time in my life, i can't put the pain into words. i can't even express it and make it better. i have written you letter after letter just to get it out. granted, i haven't passed any along, but i know you wouldn't care enough to even read them.

why won't you let me go? why won't you stop torturing me? why the hell do you insist on making my life miserable? why can't you give me the fucking benefit of the doubt that i haven't done anything that you think? why do i have to defend myself to YOU all the time? why am i so broken all the time? why do YOU break me over and over? do you enjoy this? are you getting back at me?

i wanted to be friends still. i really did. and when we're together, things are so good. and they're so normal and comfortable. and then things like this happen immediately ruining everything. i can't stand the sight of you right now. i can't stand that you killed me so much. you are the most ridiculous person i have ever met. you are not worth these tears that are consistently pouring out of me. you're the one making this so difficult. i wish you could see me for how i am. that i'm not doing the things that you think. without a doubt, the worst part is not the lies being spread. she and i know the truth. and i have come to be ok with that. the worst part is you not knowing me. not believing me. not giving me the benefit of the doubt that i'm not a terrible person.

we spent 6 straight hours together. we sat and talked and hung out. we had dinner. even with your parents! and an hour later you were in my face yelling at me. how can you flip so fast? how can you not see who i am? it hurts so much to have someone you love treat you with such disrespect. to treat you like dirt.

i feel like if i keep writing it has to eventually feel better, right? it has to eventually subside. everytime i get better. everytime i get ok, it happens again. you give me a week to heal and think im not actually going to die from pain. and then you recut that wound.

you're being so out of control that your best friend has to go behind you and clean things up. make sure that i'm ok. do you know how many times he's been there for me when you weren't? i knew a long time ago to walk away, but i'm so bad at that. i'm so bad at caring enough about myself to respect myself and do the right thing. so i go on in a terrible situation because something has to be better than nothing, right? that must be what i think. in order to keep going in things i have to think that. which is the most idiotic thing. i was fine before i met you and i'll be fine now. you're trying your hardest to not let this happen, but i will be ok. i will make it through to the other side. i will be stronger, with more self respect and love. you've taught me what i do and don't want.

god, i loved you. and you treated me like shit.