the only thing i will ask, and i swear the only thing i ask is that he let you and i have the relationship we have had for the last 7 years. i can't be afraid to say to you the things that i think for fear that he's going to jump in to side with you or protect you. you made it, by choice, 7 years of friendship with me just fine without needing protection. and i can't communicate in a way that i have to walk on egg shells. and i won't. so the only thing i ask is that in some way, you let him know that you and i are different. that you don't need him to jump into a discussion with me. because i'm not out to hurt you. we made it this far without his help. and it's not fair to me to have to watch what i say for fear that he's going to jump on me about something. i think that's why i feel like he doesn't like me. other people can joke with you and he says nothing. but me, i'm at some great fault all the time. like i'm under a microscope. so i need him to realize that this relationship is you and me. and i understand that you're in a relationship with him, i do. but this relationship....you and me? this one doesn't involve him.

i feel like your priority to the girls from home and lizzy and everyone else just went so far ahead and i got left behind. i lost a lot this past year. what i feel like was my entire sanity and life. i mean, i went on a fucking roller coaster for 11 months. and i'm still not off. and i feel like i just got abandoned and that everything else is more important to you because it's easier. and i realize that easier is more comfortable. but at the same time, it leaves me feeling extra and useless.

david. lord only knows. in all honesty, it started as a sexual thing. for me at least. and he sat me down and said that he couldn't just have a sexual relationship - that he couldn't. that we had to be friends and communicate. which was not something i thought i had signed up for. he's ended up being a good friend of mine. when anything happens in his life, i'm the first person he calls. and when i need something - i know he's there. and we're not dating. i don't want to date him. i would never be able to trust him and there are about a million things about him that i wouldn't want to deal with. and i'm not so naive that i've forgotten last october. it's something that i have forgiven him for, yes. i had to. for my own anger i had to. but when we went through everything this summer, he and i got a lot closer - which is why i didn't tell him for over a month. i didn't want one more thing to bring us closer. we have been through so much and never even been in a relationship. but for about 2 months we have just been friends. that's really all that it is. he's nice to have around but it's nothing serious.

sometimes i wish i could just come in and lay on your bed and not say anything.

i think the problem for me now is that i don't feel like you even want to be friends any more. which makes me not want to try. i feel like i've fallen to last place. to be the person who you were closest to for years, it's miserable to feel like i'm your last priority now. and you can't deny it. that's where i am. and being around that makes me feel worse about myself. which makes me want to walk away from it all. i don't need to be first. that's not what im saying. although you've tried to twist it that way before. i just don't think i deserve to be last.

sometimes i just want you to remember that i do want you to be happy. in the beginning when i was suffering so much and you just left, you said you'd leave him if i asked you to. and i never did. i would never be so selfish as to want you to be alone. did i say that i'd rather you be here than with him? yes. and you freaked out. i'm not sure why wanting you to be with me was a cause for anger. but apparently it is. i just think sometimes you want to make me this bad guy so you have a reason to cling to him and he has a reason to protect you and take your side. but you did this to me. you made me the bad guy in his eyes. i went in not having a fighting chance. so i have a hard time putting forth the effort to ever make things better with him when i have no idea what you're saying about me. i came in with him hating me. when i was in the lowest part of my entire life, my friend was out making sure that she had someone on her side. leaving me alone. and trying to fix whatever the hell kind of friendship is left.