the only thing i will ask, and i swear the only thing i ask is that he let you and i have the relationship we have had for the last 7 years. i can't be afraid to say to you the things that i think for fear that he's going to jump in to side with you or protect you. you made it, by choice, 7 years of friendship with me just fine without needing protection. and i can't communicate in a way that i have to walk on egg shells. and i won't. so the only thing i ask is that in some way, you let him know that you and i are different. that you don't need him to jump into a discussion with me. because i'm not out to hurt you. we made it this far without his help. and it's not fair to me to have to watch what i say for fear that he's going to jump on me about something. i think that's why i feel like he doesn't like me. other people can joke with you and he says nothing. but me, i'm at some great fault all the time. like i'm under a microscope. so i need him to realize that this relationship is you and me. and i understand that you're in a relationship with him, i do. but this relationship....you and me? this one doesn't involve him.

i feel like your priority to the girls from home and lizzy and everyone else just went so far ahead and i got left behind. i lost a lot this past year. what i feel like was my entire sanity and life. i mean, i went on a fucking roller coaster for 11 months. and i'm still not off. and i feel like i just got abandoned and that everything else is more important to you because it's easier. and i realize that easier is more comfortable. but at the same time, it leaves me feeling extra and useless.

david. lord only knows. in all honesty, it started as a sexual thing. for me at least. and he sat me down and said that he couldn't just have a sexual relationship - that he couldn't. that we had to be friends and communicate. which was not something i thought i had signed up for. he's ended up being a good friend of mine. when anything happens in his life, i'm the first person he calls. and when i need something - i know he's there. and we're not dating. i don't want to date him. i would never be able to trust him and there are about a million things about him that i wouldn't want to deal with. and i'm not so naive that i've forgotten last october. it's something that i have forgiven him for, yes. i had to. for my own anger i had to. but when we went through everything this summer, he and i got a lot closer - which is why i didn't tell him for over a month. i didn't want one more thing to bring us closer. we have been through so much and never even been in a relationship. but for about 2 months we have just been friends. that's really all that it is. he's nice to have around but it's nothing serious.

sometimes i wish i could just come in and lay on your bed and not say anything.