i think the problem for me now is that i don't feel like you even want to be friends any more. which makes me not want to try. i feel like i've fallen to last place. to be the person who you were closest to for years, it's miserable to feel like i'm your last priority now. and you can't deny it. that's where i am. and being around that makes me feel worse about myself. which makes me want to walk away from it all. i don't need to be first. that's not what im saying. although you've tried to twist it that way before. i just don't think i deserve to be last.

sometimes i just want you to remember that i do want you to be happy. in the beginning when i was suffering so much and you just left, you said you'd leave him if i asked you to. and i never did. i would never be so selfish as to want you to be alone. did i say that i'd rather you be here than with him? yes. and you freaked out. i'm not sure why wanting you to be with me was a cause for anger. but apparently it is. i just think sometimes you want to make me this bad guy so you have a reason to cling to him and he has a reason to protect you and take your side. but you did this to me. you made me the bad guy in his eyes. i went in not having a fighting chance. so i have a hard time putting forth the effort to ever make things better with him when i have no idea what you're saying about me. i came in with him hating me. when i was in the lowest part of my entire life, my friend was out making sure that she had someone on her side. leaving me alone. and trying to fix whatever the hell kind of friendship is left.