you are the biggest loss i have ever suffered in my life.

you haunt my dreams. i will literally dream that things are normal again. then i wake up in this fucking nightmare.

you are the best thing i ever had in my life. you are the best friend i've ever had.

nothing seems as good without you there.

i love you. i miss you. i wish i could fix us.

[you are my autumn]

the thought that keeps me up most at night is you. i lay there and think over and over what i can do to make it better. how i can fix us. but i can't do it alone. i can't be the only one who wants to be friends.

i wish you'd just communicate with me what you want. i'd do just about anything to drive through the back roads at night with the windows down and music up with you.

i wrote this 7 years ago. and i still feel the same way.
"comfort is so different for each person. there are so many things that make me comfortable. but riding in that jeep, speeding down those back country roads, blaring the music, sitting next to my best friend. that's comfort for me."

please. i'm all but on my knees begging for some of your time.

i can't just walk away from you. i can't let so much go. unless you tell me to. that's why i asked. not to be mean. not to start anything. just to know. i don't want to continue to harp on you if you're not interested. but until you tell me to, i won't leave you alone.

i thought things were getting better. then out of nowhere it seems to have gone down hill fast. and i'm not sure i was even around for it. i just blinked and now you won't even communicate with me at all.

i have a hard time thinking that what we went through is big enough to lose it all. but maybe i'm wrong. i'm honestly not asking for anything from you. just letting you know that i'm still here. and i still want to be a part of your life.

my right hand hold matches
my left holds my past
i hope the wind catches and burns it down.

i'm not sure that i have ever been so hurt in my life. by so many things. and so many people. i know one day i will look back and think how frivolous it all is. but right now? right now, it's real. and right now it hurts.

did i do this to myself? do i deserve this? i can't help but think i was so careless that this is my payback.

for the first time in my life, i can't put the pain into words. i can't even express it and make it better. i have written you letter after letter just to get it out. granted, i haven't passed any along, but i know you wouldn't care enough to even read them.

why won't you let me go? why won't you stop torturing me? why the hell do you insist on making my life miserable? why can't you give me the fucking benefit of the doubt that i haven't done anything that you think? why do i have to defend myself to YOU all the time? why am i so broken all the time? why do YOU break me over and over? do you enjoy this? are you getting back at me?

i wanted to be friends still. i really did. and when we're together, things are so good. and they're so normal and comfortable. and then things like this happen immediately ruining everything. i can't stand the sight of you right now. i can't stand that you killed me so much. you are the most ridiculous person i have ever met. you are not worth these tears that are consistently pouring out of me. you're the one making this so difficult. i wish you could see me for how i am. that i'm not doing the things that you think. without a doubt, the worst part is not the lies being spread. she and i know the truth. and i have come to be ok with that. the worst part is you not knowing me. not believing me. not giving me the benefit of the doubt that i'm not a terrible person.

we spent 6 straight hours together. we sat and talked and hung out. we had dinner. even with your parents! and an hour later you were in my face yelling at me. how can you flip so fast? how can you not see who i am? it hurts so much to have someone you love treat you with such disrespect. to treat you like dirt.

i feel like if i keep writing it has to eventually feel better, right? it has to eventually subside. everytime i get better. everytime i get ok, it happens again. you give me a week to heal and think im not actually going to die from pain. and then you recut that wound.

you're being so out of control that your best friend has to go behind you and clean things up. make sure that i'm ok. do you know how many times he's been there for me when you weren't? i knew a long time ago to walk away, but i'm so bad at that. i'm so bad at caring enough about myself to respect myself and do the right thing. so i go on in a terrible situation because something has to be better than nothing, right? that must be what i think. in order to keep going in things i have to think that. which is the most idiotic thing. i was fine before i met you and i'll be fine now. you're trying your hardest to not let this happen, but i will be ok. i will make it through to the other side. i will be stronger, with more self respect and love. you've taught me what i do and don't want.

god, i loved you. and you treated me like shit.

i don't know where else to go with this. i've always said that things never felt better until i wrote them out. i'm praying that this helps me. i'm so broken. i let him break me. i let him do this to me.

i know in my heart that i am better off alone than i was with him. i know that i wasn't happy all of the time. i know in my head how i felt. the nights of feeling so unloved. like a burden.

i excused it for too long. when i finally had enough i walked away. i left in tears. and i left him in tears. and as soon as i did it, i wanted to take it back. it took me a couple of weeks to realize this was actually best. but seeing him so often made it difficult to stay away. we fell back into our comfortableness all over.

before i knew it, it was like we were together again. then he told me he was seeing someone else. out of nowhere. i felt like i had been sucker punched. i felt all my air be taken away from me. i felt my security with him being taken away. i had been so sure of where i stood with him. but i had no idea.

this weekend was so difficult. the things he did to me with her on friday. i wouldn't wish on anyone. he spent his entire time making sure i was ok. that doesn't count for much since he made the situation what it was. i should have just been done then. i should have walked away for forever. but i didn't.

i sat and talked to him for hours this week. trying to make myself feel better. in the end making myself worse.

you got to me in a way i haven't let anyone in a long time. you told me it was ok. that you wouldn't do this. things wouldn't be like this. i miss you. and i do love you. and i'm doing my damndest to let go.

our uphill battle

i know that this is difficult for both of us. and not just me. i lost my best friend. my sister. someone who i thought i would always have. and i want as much of it back that we can get. as much that is healthy.

i want to be able to move on from this past year. i want to be able to talk to you about stupid stuff. call and leave voicemails about ghost hunter cars. and not see it and think that i wish i could call. because for so long i didn't feel like i could call. or that you wanted to hear from me.

i hope we can use this year to repair us. to figure out where a good place for us to be is. for us to both feel like the other is there for us. to not have that horrid awkwardness around groups of friends.

i think we're both in places that are good for us. where we can start this over. where you can talk to me about your love and everything that's going on and what you're thinking and feeling. and i want to be able to talk to you about my love and my crazy job. you're the only one that will understand a lot about it.

i don't see much of anyone anymore with all our crazy schedules. and that's ok. we're all in new places. but i'd like to start having friend dates with you sometimes. i may work a lot during the week but i'm off every weekend. and now that i'm actually working, i have money to go do dinners and movies and fun things. i'm not trying to jump in with both feet. just know that this is where i'd like us to be.


p.s. i miss paul and mona too.